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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.